it's halloween

i didn't even remember it until they said something about it on the radio this morning. usually it's all i think of for the week leading up to it.

being halloween also means it's closer to the end of the year. it's creeping up quickly and quietly.

i've been thinking about it all day. and all i can think is that this year has been the worst year of my life so far.

new years was lonely and sad. my birthday was so fucked i can't even remember it, but apparantly i got thrown out of a bar and vomited all over the curb outside my mother's house. that was the beginning. it's been all down hill from there.

and i can't think of what i could have changed that would have made any significant improvement. so i'm really not sure what the lesson is here. how do i change my life to improve my situation. because it really is all up to me. i know that.

really, the only thing that could have potentially improved things for me, would have been getting run over by a bus. i say potentially though, because maybe the next life will be worse. there's no knowing beforehand.

i'm trying to face things. to improve my life. i'm trying really hard not to dread the holidays. they're coming too. i feel really depressed. i can't shake it.

i have to find some answers.