insanity

yesterday i called my dad. i've had his number for awhile now, but have been unsure of what to do with it. so, i blocked my number and called.

he picked up and said hello, but i froze and hung up.

i don't know what i expected. i should have had a plan. i talked to my brother (Dyl) about it and he just said i was stupid. most likely, he's right. he said i should have written something down for myself to say. but maybe i just don't have anything to say. how do you have a nice conversation with a man who left almost 23 years ago?

i thought maybe i'd recognize his voice. i thought that i'd think of something. but i didn't. he was as unfamiliar in that one word as anyone else i don't know.

it's funny to even think about now.

i can't decide what i want to do. i could call him or i could show up at his house, his long lost baby girl. and i could get hung up on or have the door slammed in my face. or he might talk to me or invite me in. i don't know what i'm more afraid of. i don't know if it would be better not to know. i get the feeling that now (or at least soon) would be a good time to make a decision. he's almost 62.


i've had years to think about it. i've been encouraged by friends and family to both contact him and let him go. no advice is going to save me now. i wish i was psychic. i could ask the tarot, but i'm not sure how much guidance i could get or at least absorb.....

i bears thinking about.