so, i'm feeling good

so, i got off work a little on the late side yesterday. i showed up late to my last client, because i had to go into the office for my flu shot, to talk to payroll, and i needed an advance. so i got to my last client, and got everything done on time, but they let me stay and watch grey's anatomy on demand. so i was there late. i really love my clients and their families.

so then i had some errands to run. i knew bob was supposed to be at my house some time between 6 and 7, but he runs late, and it was only five, so i did my errands. i went to total wine and picked up some captain. it's been awhile since i had rum and coke and i was feeling nostalgic. i ran to wal-mart to see if i could find a dvd that he and i could watch together. i ended up getting Almost Famous, which we've seen several times, but both tolerate well. i also got a couple clearance nighties, not sexy ones...particle ones...cute anyway though. i also got some chocolate for during the movie, cuz i know how much bob likes his chocolate. on the way home i decided i really wanted to see tommy, so i stopped in at zia and bought it.

i got home and bob was a little late, but not much. he'd called me on his way and had me order the pizza. it arrived just before he did. we settled in to watch our movie. and it was just one of those really nice evenings. we relaxed, ate, i drank, and watched tv. we talked some, and in the end we staid up until 3 in the morning...which we never do. and we slept in until 11:30...which we also never do. by the time we rolled out of bed and went for breakfast, it was 1 in the afternoon.

he'd never been to the grill, but was really happy with his eggs.

we got back to my house, and i guess breakfast was so energy consuming that we fell back into bed. and we just laid there holding each other and talking.

and i know how stupid i am. i know that i should not. but i do love him. he feels just right. we fit together perfectly, and everything else melts away. he's a good man.

so we had a quicky and laying there after him we decided to give this one more shot. he said he was bugged about Matt being around. and i told him the truth of that was that there was nothing going on. i told him if i had been sleeping with Matt i'd have either been up front about it or tried to hide it, but that i would not have only said he came to fix my car and nothing else. but that really, all he did was come over and fix my car.

and i told him about the girl i saw. i gave him details. and i told him that i didn't feel bad because we were broken up and that's all there was to it. and he said he wanted us to just see each other. and really, he's the only one i want to see.

so i agreed.

so we're going to try again. we've been together 4 years. he's worth a second chance.

i'm so tired of politics.

i didn't vote. i don't believe in the system, so i don't participate. if the system ever gets fixed, i'll be first in line. so i was happy when obama won, and sad when 102 passed, but none of it was my doing, and i doubt, that any of it was yours either.

so, i hope the country will get better. it'd be nice. and i have no doubt that the GLBT community will eventually have the same rights as everyone else. but i'll celebrate when it happens. right now, nothing has really shifted in my world very much.

i'm just tired of talking about it. i'm tired of hearing about it. i'm tired of politics.

can we give it a break? please?

let's wait and see what happens, and then talk about it.

insanity

yesterday i called my dad. i've had his number for awhile now, but have been unsure of what to do with it. so, i blocked my number and called.

he picked up and said hello, but i froze and hung up.

i don't know what i expected. i should have had a plan. i talked to my brother (Dyl) about it and he just said i was stupid. most likely, he's right. he said i should have written something down for myself to say. but maybe i just don't have anything to say. how do you have a nice conversation with a man who left almost 23 years ago?

i thought maybe i'd recognize his voice. i thought that i'd think of something. but i didn't. he was as unfamiliar in that one word as anyone else i don't know.

it's funny to even think about now.

i can't decide what i want to do. i could call him or i could show up at his house, his long lost baby girl. and i could get hung up on or have the door slammed in my face. or he might talk to me or invite me in. i don't know what i'm more afraid of. i don't know if it would be better not to know. i get the feeling that now (or at least soon) would be a good time to make a decision. he's almost 62.


i've had years to think about it. i've been encouraged by friends and family to both contact him and let him go. no advice is going to save me now. i wish i was psychic. i could ask the tarot, but i'm not sure how much guidance i could get or at least absorb.....

i bears thinking about.

it's halloween

i didn't even remember it until they said something about it on the radio this morning. usually it's all i think of for the week leading up to it.

being halloween also means it's closer to the end of the year. it's creeping up quickly and quietly.

i've been thinking about it all day. and all i can think is that this year has been the worst year of my life so far.

new years was lonely and sad. my birthday was so fucked i can't even remember it, but apparantly i got thrown out of a bar and vomited all over the curb outside my mother's house. that was the beginning. it's been all down hill from there.

and i can't think of what i could have changed that would have made any significant improvement. so i'm really not sure what the lesson is here. how do i change my life to improve my situation. because it really is all up to me. i know that.

really, the only thing that could have potentially improved things for me, would have been getting run over by a bus. i say potentially though, because maybe the next life will be worse. there's no knowing beforehand.

i'm trying to face things. to improve my life. i'm trying really hard not to dread the holidays. they're coming too. i feel really depressed. i can't shake it.

i have to find some answers.

drag

i went to the drag show last night. it was a charity show, so they really did it up right. i had a blast. i love drag shows in general though. this one was different though because it had a lot of guys participating who usually don't do drag. it was fun. and the cause was a good one. it's called positively beautiful. it's apparently the only organization in arizona that deals exclusively with HIV and AIDS positive women. awesome cause.

today i worked my ass off. not really. i sat around at work and was depressed and quiet all day. the move is looming closer and closer. i have to stay up all night tonight and pack. i have no choice.

tonight is my second big exam in bio. i haven't read the chapters yet, and i'm a little worried. i think i can pull it off anyway, but i'm nervous. really a lot. i should have studied. i should have done a lot of things this past week, but i haven't.

i really feel like shit.

here we go

so the house is half packed, and the car is maybe a quarter fixed. sahuarita is 100% not ready, but everything supposedly will be ready by friday.

hahahahahahaha!!!

wednesday is the big test in science....somewhere along the way i have to read the chapters i'm being tested on.

i should be packing right now.

change

that quote, "the more things change, the more they stay the same" that's the day i had today.

i got a call from jewish family and social services. they are going to help me get some therapy. i'm really happy to hear this. i'll get talk therapy and something called EMDR (i think) which has something to do with eye movement repairing pathways in the brain that have been damaged by trauma. sounds like something i'd be up for for sure. there is a wait list for sure, but at least i know it's coming.

i also went to wingspan today for their legal clinic. i spent an hour with 3 law students how helped me to figure out how to proceed with the estate. i now know what i need to file and when to get things moving in the right direction. they looked everything up on line and explained it to me. they went page by page through this huge package of paperwork i bought from the arizona bar association. i am so thankful. this time next week, i should be making real progress.

class was really weird. i got my first 100% on a quiz, and i hadn't finished reading it, or even doing my notes. next big exam is a week from today, time to study my ass off. i can still ace this class if i try hard enough. we did the osmosis lab, and although i'm greatful we weren't handling raw egg membraned, i was still grossed out by the "mock cells" they were like little slimy penises. not cool.

my car broke down today. i got the oil changed 12 days ago, and there was none in there today. NONE. I called the Jiffy Lube people, who actually came over and told my brother that it was the car. they think i need to replace gaskets or rings or something. i'm fucked.

so, lots of change, but essentially life is still the same. i'm really depressed, but i'm trying to cope. i have a plan.

the estate of my grandfather

today i made more attempts to ensure that the estate is progressing. nothing much is happening though. no one will talk to me without proper documentation spelling out that i have a legal right to know anything. i don't have the documentation. when i tried to get it i was told by the court that i would have to petition them and ask for the right. they would not tell me what papers i need to file to petition them. they said my attorney would know. they do not care that i do not have an attorney. they said by telling me what papers to file it would constitute legal advice. fuck me. no one ever told me you needed a lawyer to die.

this is fucking ridiculous.

so i thought about my brother. my older one the lawyer, who my mom says reminds her so much of my dad. i guess he reminds me of our dad too. he knows i exist, but doesn't seem to want to be part of my life, and at least superficially, i don't care. but he is a lawyer, and he could be helpful right now.

tomorrow i will go to a legal clinic and present the paperwork i paid 9 dollars for and hope that they can help me fix this mess.

meanwhile, my pod is being delivered tomorrow. i'm a little excited, sorta. moving is a big deal. this is going to be rough. and the car started to make a new noise tonight. not a good noise either. the oil light come on when i push the clutch in. it's a concern.

i have been dealing with an ear infection. both ears this time. ah, fall is here. it'll clear up soon, i hope. that or damage my ear drums irreparably. either way i guess.

i had way to much popcorn chicken for dinner tonight. for some reason i find myself craving popcorn chicken from KFC like mad. couldn't say why. i drove there and got some tonight and then stopped at Circle K and got mike's in a can. i cannot think of a more white trash meal, but it's all i wanted to eat.

tomorrow is class again, and i'm approachinjg done with my notes. at least i'm making progress somewhere.

it's 1 a.m

i'm up and considering all the things that need to be done. some things have been completed. some are in progress. some only exist (as of yet) in my mind.

i'm in this funky retrospective mood. i keep thinking of how i could have ended up here, or anywhere but here - depending on which direction i look at it from. not that it really matters. i am here. what matters now is how i choose to proceed. i hope that's why i've been looking back. to see what missteps were taken in hopes to avoid similar things in the future. that may not be what i am doing though.

i'm thinking to much. i'm really in my own head and can't step out just yet. i don't know how far out i'd want to go though. maybe that's the problem. maybe i'm the problem. or am i just my own scape goat.

to many strange thoughts and inappropriate memories on this oddly chill autumn night.

sleep.

gita

Why grieve for those whom no grief is due, and yet profess wisdom? The wise grieve neither for the dead nor for the living.

There was never a time when I was not, nor thou, nor these princes were not; there will never be a time when we shall cease to be.

As the soul experiences in this body infancy, youth and old age, so it finally passes into another. The wise have no delusion about this.

Those external relations which bring cold and heat, pain and happiness, they come and go; they are not permanent. Endure them bravely, O Prince!

The hero whose soul is unmoved by circumstance, who accepts pleasure and pain with equanimity, only he is fit for immortality.

That which is not, shall never be; that which is, shall never cease to be. To the wise, these truths are self-evident.

The Spirit, which prevades all that we see, is imperishable. Nothing can destroy the Spirit.

The material bodies which this Eternal, Indestructible, Immeasurable Spirit inhabits are all finite. Therefore fight, O Valiant Man!

He who thinks that the Spirit kills, and he who thinks of It as killed, are both ignorant. The spirit kills not, nor is It killed.

It was not born; It will never die, nor once having been, can It ever cease to be. Unborn, Eternal, Ever-enduring, yet Most Ancient, the Spirit dies not when the body is dead.

He who know the Spirit as Indestructible, Immortal, Unborn, Always-the-Same, how should he kill or cause to be killed?

As a man discards his threadbare robes and puts on new, so the Spirit throws off Its worn-out bodies and takes fresh ones.

Weapons cleave It not, fire burns It not, water drenches It not, and wind dries It not.

It is impenetrable; It can be neither drowned nor scorched nor dried. It is eternal, All-pervading, Unchanging, Immovable and Most Aincient.

It is named the Unmanifest, the Unthinkable, the Immutable. Wherefore, knowing the Spirit as such, thou hast no cause to grieve.

Even if thou thinkist of It as constantly being born, constantly dying, even then, O Mighty Man, thou hast no cause to grieve.

For death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead. Therefore grieve not for what is inevitable.

not much time left

time is running out here. soon i will go live in sahuarita. god, the thought is almost terrifying. there is still way to much to do here, and not nearly enough time to do it in.

I hope to pack almost all my room this weekend. there are of course, things i will need. some things can't be packed till the last second. some of the more delicate items will have to be hauled down in the car.

today was really long. i may have been exposed to MRSA, which is really scary. I have no open wounds though, so I think I'll be ok. I talked to one of the nurses at work and she seems to think I'll be fine. I hope so.

I checked out The Bhagavad Gita from the library yesterday. I've only just started, but so far I really like it. It says things in a way I haven't encountered yet. There's a passage I like so far that deals with death. It makes me fell a little better about grampa. Maybe I'll post it, tomorrow, if I'm so inclined.

therapy

recently, i started looking into getting some therapy. it's slow going, as i have no insurance and no money. i think i need therapy though. i need something. someone who isn't directly involved in my life to help me gain some perspective. i get that life is hard for everyone. it's the 'human condition' or what ever. and yes, i know 'everything will be ok' and that 'things will be fince in the end' but god damn! how do i get to that point? how?!? how do i get from this point where everything is such a shitty mess to the point where everything is fine? so, yeah. looking for some cheap therapy. any ideas?

myspace miasma

so I'm here because I'm really tired of myspace.  it's a little to bubblegum for my taste, and all the drama?  it's getting old.  so, I'm moving here.  not like i have anything to say really.  but i like the feeling of getting it all out there.  blogging helps me not to say all my stupid stuff out loud to people who don't need to hear it.

I'm really tired tonight.  i shouldn't be.  i slept till 1 in the afternoon.  the most taxing thing i did today was watch my friend get pissed off cuz the coffee place didn't get him his chicken salad in a timely manner.  I'd be pissed if i were him too.

i had dinner with an old friend.  i was perhaps, overly concerned that we had grown to far apart for any real conversation to occur, but my fear seems unfounded.  at least for tonight.  then on the the bar for drinks!!!! yay for drinks.  although, drinking is making me sick to a point where I'm actually concerned for my long term well being.  it's not just hangovers and blackouts anymore.  there is so much more going on.  i have to call my doctor (lame as he is) on Monday and see if he can see me.  i know he'll tell me to stop drinking (if he says anything more it'll be a miracle) but I'd like to find out if something else is wrong too.

school starts this week and i think i may be in over my head.  I'm taking  a writing course that i don't really need and upon seeing the textbook, I'm completely intimidated.  i don't wanna do it anymore.  the biology class, however, looks OK.  not as scary, but it's a way away and the car is acting up, so I'm worried about that too.

now is not the time to worry i guess....maybe I'm just stressing out for nothing.  it is the weekend after all.  i should relax.