here we go

so the house is half packed, and the car is maybe a quarter fixed. sahuarita is 100% not ready, but everything supposedly will be ready by friday.

hahahahahahaha!!!

wednesday is the big test in science....somewhere along the way i have to read the chapters i'm being tested on.

i should be packing right now.

change

that quote, "the more things change, the more they stay the same" that's the day i had today.

i got a call from jewish family and social services. they are going to help me get some therapy. i'm really happy to hear this. i'll get talk therapy and something called EMDR (i think) which has something to do with eye movement repairing pathways in the brain that have been damaged by trauma. sounds like something i'd be up for for sure. there is a wait list for sure, but at least i know it's coming.

i also went to wingspan today for their legal clinic. i spent an hour with 3 law students how helped me to figure out how to proceed with the estate. i now know what i need to file and when to get things moving in the right direction. they looked everything up on line and explained it to me. they went page by page through this huge package of paperwork i bought from the arizona bar association. i am so thankful. this time next week, i should be making real progress.

class was really weird. i got my first 100% on a quiz, and i hadn't finished reading it, or even doing my notes. next big exam is a week from today, time to study my ass off. i can still ace this class if i try hard enough. we did the osmosis lab, and although i'm greatful we weren't handling raw egg membraned, i was still grossed out by the "mock cells" they were like little slimy penises. not cool.

my car broke down today. i got the oil changed 12 days ago, and there was none in there today. NONE. I called the Jiffy Lube people, who actually came over and told my brother that it was the car. they think i need to replace gaskets or rings or something. i'm fucked.

so, lots of change, but essentially life is still the same. i'm really depressed, but i'm trying to cope. i have a plan.

the estate of my grandfather

today i made more attempts to ensure that the estate is progressing. nothing much is happening though. no one will talk to me without proper documentation spelling out that i have a legal right to know anything. i don't have the documentation. when i tried to get it i was told by the court that i would have to petition them and ask for the right. they would not tell me what papers i need to file to petition them. they said my attorney would know. they do not care that i do not have an attorney. they said by telling me what papers to file it would constitute legal advice. fuck me. no one ever told me you needed a lawyer to die.

this is fucking ridiculous.

so i thought about my brother. my older one the lawyer, who my mom says reminds her so much of my dad. i guess he reminds me of our dad too. he knows i exist, but doesn't seem to want to be part of my life, and at least superficially, i don't care. but he is a lawyer, and he could be helpful right now.

tomorrow i will go to a legal clinic and present the paperwork i paid 9 dollars for and hope that they can help me fix this mess.

meanwhile, my pod is being delivered tomorrow. i'm a little excited, sorta. moving is a big deal. this is going to be rough. and the car started to make a new noise tonight. not a good noise either. the oil light come on when i push the clutch in. it's a concern.

i have been dealing with an ear infection. both ears this time. ah, fall is here. it'll clear up soon, i hope. that or damage my ear drums irreparably. either way i guess.

i had way to much popcorn chicken for dinner tonight. for some reason i find myself craving popcorn chicken from KFC like mad. couldn't say why. i drove there and got some tonight and then stopped at Circle K and got mike's in a can. i cannot think of a more white trash meal, but it's all i wanted to eat.

tomorrow is class again, and i'm approachinjg done with my notes. at least i'm making progress somewhere.

it's 1 a.m

i'm up and considering all the things that need to be done. some things have been completed. some are in progress. some only exist (as of yet) in my mind.

i'm in this funky retrospective mood. i keep thinking of how i could have ended up here, or anywhere but here - depending on which direction i look at it from. not that it really matters. i am here. what matters now is how i choose to proceed. i hope that's why i've been looking back. to see what missteps were taken in hopes to avoid similar things in the future. that may not be what i am doing though.

i'm thinking to much. i'm really in my own head and can't step out just yet. i don't know how far out i'd want to go though. maybe that's the problem. maybe i'm the problem. or am i just my own scape goat.

to many strange thoughts and inappropriate memories on this oddly chill autumn night.

sleep.

gita

Why grieve for those whom no grief is due, and yet profess wisdom? The wise grieve neither for the dead nor for the living.

There was never a time when I was not, nor thou, nor these princes were not; there will never be a time when we shall cease to be.

As the soul experiences in this body infancy, youth and old age, so it finally passes into another. The wise have no delusion about this.

Those external relations which bring cold and heat, pain and happiness, they come and go; they are not permanent. Endure them bravely, O Prince!

The hero whose soul is unmoved by circumstance, who accepts pleasure and pain with equanimity, only he is fit for immortality.

That which is not, shall never be; that which is, shall never cease to be. To the wise, these truths are self-evident.

The Spirit, which prevades all that we see, is imperishable. Nothing can destroy the Spirit.

The material bodies which this Eternal, Indestructible, Immeasurable Spirit inhabits are all finite. Therefore fight, O Valiant Man!

He who thinks that the Spirit kills, and he who thinks of It as killed, are both ignorant. The spirit kills not, nor is It killed.

It was not born; It will never die, nor once having been, can It ever cease to be. Unborn, Eternal, Ever-enduring, yet Most Ancient, the Spirit dies not when the body is dead.

He who know the Spirit as Indestructible, Immortal, Unborn, Always-the-Same, how should he kill or cause to be killed?

As a man discards his threadbare robes and puts on new, so the Spirit throws off Its worn-out bodies and takes fresh ones.

Weapons cleave It not, fire burns It not, water drenches It not, and wind dries It not.

It is impenetrable; It can be neither drowned nor scorched nor dried. It is eternal, All-pervading, Unchanging, Immovable and Most Aincient.

It is named the Unmanifest, the Unthinkable, the Immutable. Wherefore, knowing the Spirit as such, thou hast no cause to grieve.

Even if thou thinkist of It as constantly being born, constantly dying, even then, O Mighty Man, thou hast no cause to grieve.

For death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead. Therefore grieve not for what is inevitable.

not much time left

time is running out here. soon i will go live in sahuarita. god, the thought is almost terrifying. there is still way to much to do here, and not nearly enough time to do it in.

I hope to pack almost all my room this weekend. there are of course, things i will need. some things can't be packed till the last second. some of the more delicate items will have to be hauled down in the car.

today was really long. i may have been exposed to MRSA, which is really scary. I have no open wounds though, so I think I'll be ok. I talked to one of the nurses at work and she seems to think I'll be fine. I hope so.

I checked out The Bhagavad Gita from the library yesterday. I've only just started, but so far I really like it. It says things in a way I haven't encountered yet. There's a passage I like so far that deals with death. It makes me fell a little better about grampa. Maybe I'll post it, tomorrow, if I'm so inclined.

therapy

recently, i started looking into getting some therapy. it's slow going, as i have no insurance and no money. i think i need therapy though. i need something. someone who isn't directly involved in my life to help me gain some perspective. i get that life is hard for everyone. it's the 'human condition' or what ever. and yes, i know 'everything will be ok' and that 'things will be fince in the end' but god damn! how do i get to that point? how?!? how do i get from this point where everything is such a shitty mess to the point where everything is fine? so, yeah. looking for some cheap therapy. any ideas?