the estate of my grandfather

today i made more attempts to ensure that the estate is progressing. nothing much is happening though. no one will talk to me without proper documentation spelling out that i have a legal right to know anything. i don't have the documentation. when i tried to get it i was told by the court that i would have to petition them and ask for the right. they would not tell me what papers i need to file to petition them. they said my attorney would know. they do not care that i do not have an attorney. they said by telling me what papers to file it would constitute legal advice. fuck me. no one ever told me you needed a lawyer to die.

this is fucking ridiculous.

so i thought about my brother. my older one the lawyer, who my mom says reminds her so much of my dad. i guess he reminds me of our dad too. he knows i exist, but doesn't seem to want to be part of my life, and at least superficially, i don't care. but he is a lawyer, and he could be helpful right now.

tomorrow i will go to a legal clinic and present the paperwork i paid 9 dollars for and hope that they can help me fix this mess.

meanwhile, my pod is being delivered tomorrow. i'm a little excited, sorta. moving is a big deal. this is going to be rough. and the car started to make a new noise tonight. not a good noise either. the oil light come on when i push the clutch in. it's a concern.

i have been dealing with an ear infection. both ears this time. ah, fall is here. it'll clear up soon, i hope. that or damage my ear drums irreparably. either way i guess.

i had way to much popcorn chicken for dinner tonight. for some reason i find myself craving popcorn chicken from KFC like mad. couldn't say why. i drove there and got some tonight and then stopped at Circle K and got mike's in a can. i cannot think of a more white trash meal, but it's all i wanted to eat.

tomorrow is class again, and i'm approachinjg done with my notes. at least i'm making progress somewhere.

it's 1 a.m

i'm up and considering all the things that need to be done. some things have been completed. some are in progress. some only exist (as of yet) in my mind.

i'm in this funky retrospective mood. i keep thinking of how i could have ended up here, or anywhere but here - depending on which direction i look at it from. not that it really matters. i am here. what matters now is how i choose to proceed. i hope that's why i've been looking back. to see what missteps were taken in hopes to avoid similar things in the future. that may not be what i am doing though.

i'm thinking to much. i'm really in my own head and can't step out just yet. i don't know how far out i'd want to go though. maybe that's the problem. maybe i'm the problem. or am i just my own scape goat.

to many strange thoughts and inappropriate memories on this oddly chill autumn night.

sleep.

gita

Why grieve for those whom no grief is due, and yet profess wisdom? The wise grieve neither for the dead nor for the living.

There was never a time when I was not, nor thou, nor these princes were not; there will never be a time when we shall cease to be.

As the soul experiences in this body infancy, youth and old age, so it finally passes into another. The wise have no delusion about this.

Those external relations which bring cold and heat, pain and happiness, they come and go; they are not permanent. Endure them bravely, O Prince!

The hero whose soul is unmoved by circumstance, who accepts pleasure and pain with equanimity, only he is fit for immortality.

That which is not, shall never be; that which is, shall never cease to be. To the wise, these truths are self-evident.

The Spirit, which prevades all that we see, is imperishable. Nothing can destroy the Spirit.

The material bodies which this Eternal, Indestructible, Immeasurable Spirit inhabits are all finite. Therefore fight, O Valiant Man!

He who thinks that the Spirit kills, and he who thinks of It as killed, are both ignorant. The spirit kills not, nor is It killed.

It was not born; It will never die, nor once having been, can It ever cease to be. Unborn, Eternal, Ever-enduring, yet Most Ancient, the Spirit dies not when the body is dead.

He who know the Spirit as Indestructible, Immortal, Unborn, Always-the-Same, how should he kill or cause to be killed?

As a man discards his threadbare robes and puts on new, so the Spirit throws off Its worn-out bodies and takes fresh ones.

Weapons cleave It not, fire burns It not, water drenches It not, and wind dries It not.

It is impenetrable; It can be neither drowned nor scorched nor dried. It is eternal, All-pervading, Unchanging, Immovable and Most Aincient.

It is named the Unmanifest, the Unthinkable, the Immutable. Wherefore, knowing the Spirit as such, thou hast no cause to grieve.

Even if thou thinkist of It as constantly being born, constantly dying, even then, O Mighty Man, thou hast no cause to grieve.

For death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead. Therefore grieve not for what is inevitable.

not much time left

time is running out here. soon i will go live in sahuarita. god, the thought is almost terrifying. there is still way to much to do here, and not nearly enough time to do it in.

I hope to pack almost all my room this weekend. there are of course, things i will need. some things can't be packed till the last second. some of the more delicate items will have to be hauled down in the car.

today was really long. i may have been exposed to MRSA, which is really scary. I have no open wounds though, so I think I'll be ok. I talked to one of the nurses at work and she seems to think I'll be fine. I hope so.

I checked out The Bhagavad Gita from the library yesterday. I've only just started, but so far I really like it. It says things in a way I haven't encountered yet. There's a passage I like so far that deals with death. It makes me fell a little better about grampa. Maybe I'll post it, tomorrow, if I'm so inclined.

therapy

recently, i started looking into getting some therapy. it's slow going, as i have no insurance and no money. i think i need therapy though. i need something. someone who isn't directly involved in my life to help me gain some perspective. i get that life is hard for everyone. it's the 'human condition' or what ever. and yes, i know 'everything will be ok' and that 'things will be fince in the end' but god damn! how do i get to that point? how?!? how do i get from this point where everything is such a shitty mess to the point where everything is fine? so, yeah. looking for some cheap therapy. any ideas?

myspace miasma

so I'm here because I'm really tired of myspace.  it's a little to bubblegum for my taste, and all the drama?  it's getting old.  so, I'm moving here.  not like i have anything to say really.  but i like the feeling of getting it all out there.  blogging helps me not to say all my stupid stuff out loud to people who don't need to hear it.

I'm really tired tonight.  i shouldn't be.  i slept till 1 in the afternoon.  the most taxing thing i did today was watch my friend get pissed off cuz the coffee place didn't get him his chicken salad in a timely manner.  I'd be pissed if i were him too.

i had dinner with an old friend.  i was perhaps, overly concerned that we had grown to far apart for any real conversation to occur, but my fear seems unfounded.  at least for tonight.  then on the the bar for drinks!!!! yay for drinks.  although, drinking is making me sick to a point where I'm actually concerned for my long term well being.  it's not just hangovers and blackouts anymore.  there is so much more going on.  i have to call my doctor (lame as he is) on Monday and see if he can see me.  i know he'll tell me to stop drinking (if he says anything more it'll be a miracle) but I'd like to find out if something else is wrong too.

school starts this week and i think i may be in over my head.  I'm taking  a writing course that i don't really need and upon seeing the textbook, I'm completely intimidated.  i don't wanna do it anymore.  the biology class, however, looks OK.  not as scary, but it's a way away and the car is acting up, so I'm worried about that too.

now is not the time to worry i guess....maybe I'm just stressing out for nothing.  it is the weekend after all.  i should relax.