so, i'm feeling good

so, i got off work a little on the late side yesterday. i showed up late to my last client, because i had to go into the office for my flu shot, to talk to payroll, and i needed an advance. so i got to my last client, and got everything done on time, but they let me stay and watch grey's anatomy on demand. so i was there late. i really love my clients and their families.

so then i had some errands to run. i knew bob was supposed to be at my house some time between 6 and 7, but he runs late, and it was only five, so i did my errands. i went to total wine and picked up some captain. it's been awhile since i had rum and coke and i was feeling nostalgic. i ran to wal-mart to see if i could find a dvd that he and i could watch together. i ended up getting Almost Famous, which we've seen several times, but both tolerate well. i also got a couple clearance nighties, not sexy ones...particle ones...cute anyway though. i also got some chocolate for during the movie, cuz i know how much bob likes his chocolate. on the way home i decided i really wanted to see tommy, so i stopped in at zia and bought it.

i got home and bob was a little late, but not much. he'd called me on his way and had me order the pizza. it arrived just before he did. we settled in to watch our movie. and it was just one of those really nice evenings. we relaxed, ate, i drank, and watched tv. we talked some, and in the end we staid up until 3 in the morning...which we never do. and we slept in until 11:30...which we also never do. by the time we rolled out of bed and went for breakfast, it was 1 in the afternoon.

he'd never been to the grill, but was really happy with his eggs.

we got back to my house, and i guess breakfast was so energy consuming that we fell back into bed. and we just laid there holding each other and talking.

and i know how stupid i am. i know that i should not. but i do love him. he feels just right. we fit together perfectly, and everything else melts away. he's a good man.

so we had a quicky and laying there after him we decided to give this one more shot. he said he was bugged about Matt being around. and i told him the truth of that was that there was nothing going on. i told him if i had been sleeping with Matt i'd have either been up front about it or tried to hide it, but that i would not have only said he came to fix my car and nothing else. but that really, all he did was come over and fix my car.

and i told him about the girl i saw. i gave him details. and i told him that i didn't feel bad because we were broken up and that's all there was to it. and he said he wanted us to just see each other. and really, he's the only one i want to see.

so i agreed.

so we're going to try again. we've been together 4 years. he's worth a second chance.

i'm so tired of politics.

i didn't vote. i don't believe in the system, so i don't participate. if the system ever gets fixed, i'll be first in line. so i was happy when obama won, and sad when 102 passed, but none of it was my doing, and i doubt, that any of it was yours either.

so, i hope the country will get better. it'd be nice. and i have no doubt that the GLBT community will eventually have the same rights as everyone else. but i'll celebrate when it happens. right now, nothing has really shifted in my world very much.

i'm just tired of talking about it. i'm tired of hearing about it. i'm tired of politics.

can we give it a break? please?

let's wait and see what happens, and then talk about it.

insanity

yesterday i called my dad. i've had his number for awhile now, but have been unsure of what to do with it. so, i blocked my number and called.

he picked up and said hello, but i froze and hung up.

i don't know what i expected. i should have had a plan. i talked to my brother (Dyl) about it and he just said i was stupid. most likely, he's right. he said i should have written something down for myself to say. but maybe i just don't have anything to say. how do you have a nice conversation with a man who left almost 23 years ago?

i thought maybe i'd recognize his voice. i thought that i'd think of something. but i didn't. he was as unfamiliar in that one word as anyone else i don't know.

it's funny to even think about now.

i can't decide what i want to do. i could call him or i could show up at his house, his long lost baby girl. and i could get hung up on or have the door slammed in my face. or he might talk to me or invite me in. i don't know what i'm more afraid of. i don't know if it would be better not to know. i get the feeling that now (or at least soon) would be a good time to make a decision. he's almost 62.


i've had years to think about it. i've been encouraged by friends and family to both contact him and let him go. no advice is going to save me now. i wish i was psychic. i could ask the tarot, but i'm not sure how much guidance i could get or at least absorb.....

i bears thinking about.

it's halloween

i didn't even remember it until they said something about it on the radio this morning. usually it's all i think of for the week leading up to it.

being halloween also means it's closer to the end of the year. it's creeping up quickly and quietly.

i've been thinking about it all day. and all i can think is that this year has been the worst year of my life so far.

new years was lonely and sad. my birthday was so fucked i can't even remember it, but apparantly i got thrown out of a bar and vomited all over the curb outside my mother's house. that was the beginning. it's been all down hill from there.

and i can't think of what i could have changed that would have made any significant improvement. so i'm really not sure what the lesson is here. how do i change my life to improve my situation. because it really is all up to me. i know that.

really, the only thing that could have potentially improved things for me, would have been getting run over by a bus. i say potentially though, because maybe the next life will be worse. there's no knowing beforehand.

i'm trying to face things. to improve my life. i'm trying really hard not to dread the holidays. they're coming too. i feel really depressed. i can't shake it.

i have to find some answers.

drag

i went to the drag show last night. it was a charity show, so they really did it up right. i had a blast. i love drag shows in general though. this one was different though because it had a lot of guys participating who usually don't do drag. it was fun. and the cause was a good one. it's called positively beautiful. it's apparently the only organization in arizona that deals exclusively with HIV and AIDS positive women. awesome cause.

today i worked my ass off. not really. i sat around at work and was depressed and quiet all day. the move is looming closer and closer. i have to stay up all night tonight and pack. i have no choice.

tonight is my second big exam in bio. i haven't read the chapters yet, and i'm a little worried. i think i can pull it off anyway, but i'm nervous. really a lot. i should have studied. i should have done a lot of things this past week, but i haven't.

i really feel like shit.

here we go

so the house is half packed, and the car is maybe a quarter fixed. sahuarita is 100% not ready, but everything supposedly will be ready by friday.

hahahahahahaha!!!

wednesday is the big test in science....somewhere along the way i have to read the chapters i'm being tested on.

i should be packing right now.

change

that quote, "the more things change, the more they stay the same" that's the day i had today.

i got a call from jewish family and social services. they are going to help me get some therapy. i'm really happy to hear this. i'll get talk therapy and something called EMDR (i think) which has something to do with eye movement repairing pathways in the brain that have been damaged by trauma. sounds like something i'd be up for for sure. there is a wait list for sure, but at least i know it's coming.

i also went to wingspan today for their legal clinic. i spent an hour with 3 law students how helped me to figure out how to proceed with the estate. i now know what i need to file and when to get things moving in the right direction. they looked everything up on line and explained it to me. they went page by page through this huge package of paperwork i bought from the arizona bar association. i am so thankful. this time next week, i should be making real progress.

class was really weird. i got my first 100% on a quiz, and i hadn't finished reading it, or even doing my notes. next big exam is a week from today, time to study my ass off. i can still ace this class if i try hard enough. we did the osmosis lab, and although i'm greatful we weren't handling raw egg membraned, i was still grossed out by the "mock cells" they were like little slimy penises. not cool.

my car broke down today. i got the oil changed 12 days ago, and there was none in there today. NONE. I called the Jiffy Lube people, who actually came over and told my brother that it was the car. they think i need to replace gaskets or rings or something. i'm fucked.

so, lots of change, but essentially life is still the same. i'm really depressed, but i'm trying to cope. i have a plan.